Your first attempt at writing a Show and Tell paragraph was to describe the picture showing the king chasing the pig using the words we brainstormed together as a class.
Please post your final paragraph below as a comment.
The Pig ran and ran As the short, bearded and old king runs and runs while gasping and sweating the Fat and sneaky pig runs fast along a dirty path with the king’s expensive and valuable crown on its head going further and further away from the kings huge and high castle in a nice sunny day. As the old sweaty king chases the fat sneaky pig along the dirty path, he trips over his grey old beard but he quickly gets up and chases the fat pig. Raging with anger the old king catches up to the worried and sneaky pig with a lot of anger on his beaded face, he try’s alert a border guard with fancy and shiny armor with his old deep voice, the guard jumped and caught the terrified pig with the king’s valuable crown on its head the guard says “Of to the butcher for you” and the king sweating and gasping like crazy agrees to the guards idea and happily walks back along the dirty path with his beautiful crown right where it belongs back to his luxurious and huge castle with the guard in fancy and shiny armor with the sad and terrified pig tightly held in his arms.
This is good Markus, you have used a lot of descriptions to bring the story alive. When you write like this, try and not repeat the same ideas such as "sneaky", shows the reader what is doing that makes him sneaky rather than just telling that he is sneaky.
A fat, ugly, sneaky, evil but fast pig always wanted to steal a shining gold crown which is a fat and rich king’s and make him mad. The pig always planned to steal the crown and run away. After it has done planning, it sneaked to a 4-towered, 3-flaged, huge and freaky castle which the king lives. It sneaked like a thief. When it sneaked to a room where the king lives, the king saw the pig. The king always knew that the pig want to steal the crown. He quickly called guards and chased the pig, but the pig stole the crown and ran away as fast as he could. It ran downstairs to get out, but the guards and the king trapped him. But the pig ran out to the window. Bump! He crashed, but he could get out from the castle. The pig ran along a hilly, grassy, rough path. The king ran to catch the pig, but he was too fat so that he could not catch him.
Jun Sung, I really liked your story, it had a lot of action showing what happened between the characters. It would be good if you had have used more of the ideas from the brainstorm to help you add more "showing" elements to the story.
A fat pig is running. He’s wearing a gold crown, which is encrusted with jewels, but the crown belonged to a king who is Blue tighted, Red eyed, Red and yellow shoed, Angry, Sweat, Red caped, Shocked, Fat, Bearded, Scared, Tired, Sweating, Hot, Old, Worried, Mad, Panicked, Rich, Chasing the pig, Own the castle, Flabbergasted, Glummed, Worrying, Flustered, Scrawny legs, Balding and Desperate. So, he’s chasing the pig after he recognized that he found the pig.. He is sweating because he is too old to chase the pig. Behind of them, there is king’s castle which has 4 towers and 3 flags. The pig is evil, mischievous, and very naughty. It didn’t stop, but it went faster and faster as it could even though the king is telling him to stop. The pig didn’t want to take off the crown because he feels it’s comfortable. Poor king.
Catherine, it is great that you have a lot of descriptions in your story, but to really "show" the scene, you have to do more than just list different adjectives. Please don't use more than 3 adjectives in a row. When you "show" the reader your story, you can give your characters more action - tell us how the characters are performing the action. Good effort.
The fat, cunning pig dashed out of the giant castle wearing the king’s jewel encrusted crown. He looked behind him noticing a rather desperate large king who is worried about his precious crown, chasing him. As they were running farther and farther from the huge castle the king made a leap ahead to try to jump on the pig but missed and face planted on the hard rocky floor. The fat pig looked behind and dashed on and on farther from the king just hearing a loud sound. The king’s large horse came to his aid after his call and the king got closer and closer on his horse red with anger on the tail of the pig, he got next to the incredibly speedy pig and jumped of the snatch the fat pig, the pig was caught and was squirming in the kings arms wailing and squealing. The pig brought the pig back to the castle to find out the crown has fallen off the pigs head on the way back. The king, worried and sad, could only wait until the faithful day the crown returns.
Spencer, you made some great improvements to the first part of your story - your sentences were full of descriptions of the look and the action of the characters - you even used punctuation! Well done. By the second half your sentences became longer and longer, showing less and telling more. I can't wait to see your writing improve this term, as you have so much potential.
The fat naughty pig stole the crown from the king and got him panicking and shocked that his pig would actually steal his crown and run away, the king was an old fat man who was sweating a lot when chasing the pig, the crown was shiny and gold and was covered with jewelry which was really expensive, as the king was chasing the naughty pig, Apparently the king was so fat that his legs weren’t fast enough to catch up with the pig, but he still tried, he tried to reach his crown on top of the arms also weren’t long enough to catch the pig, he couldn’t believe that the pig was running so fast up and down the hilly rough path, the pig was so nervous and scared that he kept on running. The king eventually stopped running because he was exhausted, he fell to the ground and thought why would this pig steel my crown? Is it because of the shiny golden colour or because of the jewels? He was so desperate to get that crown of his back, because it was too precious to lose. “What am I supposed to do now?” cried the king.
Nima, you have a lot of good description in your story and really "show" your story. You need to read over your work and add full stops! Your sentences are extremely long which can make your work difficult to read. Hopefully you can work on this over the term.
The old king woke up tiredly and reached for his valuable crown. The crown case was empty. He gasped and he found out that, his valuable crown is gone. His small and tired eyes opened as big as possible as can be. After found out his crown is gone, he quickly wore up his green silk clothes, that looks just light as feather. Then, he looked out of his big window with white frame, where he saw a pinky and small pig, who stolen his crown that was most important and crucial to him. So, angry king with red nose ran out of his enchantress castle with four tower, where the flags blown as quickly as the pig who ran through the grassy hills with green and fresh bushes. The king was so oppressed with the worries of his crucial crown, he blamed himself, that he should diet, looking under his big and fat stomach which disturbed him to run. After the king and pig clime up and down the grassy hills and saw many kinds of trees near by them. They finally stopped the race in middle of grassy hills, with many kinds of flower blossoms and butterflies flying on whether they know or not the tiredness of king and pig. Finally after long chase, the king catch pinky and small pig, who was so exhausted that, he almost fainted and lie on the middle of hills, gave up the king’s crown he stolen. Also, exhausted king who looked much older than one hour ago make a way back to home wondering, why did pig stolen his crown that is only made for himself, the king.
Hayoung, i really enjoyed reading your story. You used the brainstorming words very well to write some good showing sentences and really bringing the picture to life. I can see some improvements in your English expression which is great. Well done.
The old bearded fat king with golden and heavy clothes was being crazy just to get back his precious crown from the strangely pinked pig (who was also fat). He has not been running this fast for many many years. Long way from his huge orange castle along the rough and bumpy path, he was getting closer to the pig little by little. The king was panicked and sweating, thinking why none of his servants didn’t follow him to help catching the pig. Without the valuable golden crown, people will not acknowledge him that he is the king! He became very worried and scared after imagining what if he would never be able to catch the evil pig. He speeded up, his red cloak fluttering as the wind blows. The flowers dotted beside calmly, the pig is just in front of him. He is about to reach the crown…
Wow, I am in suspense reading your story and you have done some good "showing" with your story. It is great that you used the class ideas to help shape your story. We will do some work on grammar and punctuation this term to help your story to make more sense but this is a very good effort.
The stinky mischievous pig with the gold shiny crown on his head was running along the hilly bumpy path while the bearded old panicking king was chasing the stinky fat pig. The king kept trying and trying and trying to reach his gold shiny crown but the pig was really fast that he could escape. The weather was so sunny that the king was sweating a lot. After a few minutes later the pig tripped on the tulip plants, the pig got really disappointed when the crown rolled over and back down the hilly road where there was the king’s castle. When the crown landed in the big tall castle the king and the pig raced back to the castle but this time the pig was very slow since he hurt himself before when he tripped. The king thought that he won’t ever get the gold shiny crown back but he finally did when he raced back down the hill to his castle. After the king got the gold shiny crown he told the pig to get away for him then the king went inside to his castle and got a cup of water and sat down in his chair and thought to himself “what did the pig steal my crown for?”…
Steph, this is a good effort. You have tried hard to use the words from the chart to help show the pig and king picture. Try and not repeat any ideas - such as the pig is stinky. You only need to say it once. Then you need to show it - how is he stinky? Prove it? That is where you have to get into the descriptions. We will go over how to do this in class.
The fast, nervous pig, with the crown on his head, ran out of the castle as fast as his legs could catch him. The king (who was sweating) was hot on his heels. He reached out his hands to try to retrieve the jewel-encrusted crown, but his hot arms weren’t long enough. The poor king tripped head over heels and fell onto the rough gravel path. The frightened pig kept running away, hoping he would flee from the flustered king. A few minutes later, the king came to his senses. He immediately ran back to his large stone castle. When he got inside, he was furious. He sat down on his golden throne to think about what this mischievous pig had done to steal his invaluable crown. He thought that the pig had an obsession with expensive items. Drowning in his sadness, the king feared the worst as he heard a loud, crackling thunderstorm. “What is to become of my precious crown…” moaned the king.
I love it Joey - you have really brought the picture to life through your descriptions of the characters, really showing what they are doing. Fantastic work.
She quickly rushed into the class, sitting down faster than you could say "hi" and placed her bag down as fast as she could. Shoving her hand into her bag furiously trying to grab all of her equipment. The teacher was giving instructions for the class, she was sweating like a pig, tapping her fingers and quickly looking everywhere barley listening to what the teacher was saying. She slammed her book on the table and opened it to a blank page and started to work furiously on her work but eventually stopped and started to read here work over and over again clicking her pen like a mad-woman as the class was pulling to a end. The teacher started to check homework which caused her to shake and shiver, biting her nails as the teacher drew closer and closer to her. She didn't do her homework.
She read her work over and over. She was unable to concentrate because she couldn’t hear anything except her heartbeat. She shivered and moved her body. She looked around with her eyes. Her heart was pounding loudly so that everybody could hear it. She scratched her head and twirled and fiddled with her hair. Then, she bit her nails while sweating all over her face. As the time passed, she began to click the pen and tap the table. Right after her name is called, she really felt that she has to go to the toilet.
Please post your final paragraph below as a comment. 
The Pig ran and ran
ReplyDeleteAs the short, bearded and old king runs and runs while gasping and sweating the Fat and sneaky pig runs fast along a dirty path with the king’s expensive and valuable crown on its head going further and further away from the kings huge and high castle in a nice sunny day. As the old sweaty king chases the fat sneaky pig along the dirty path, he trips over his grey old beard but he quickly gets up and chases the fat pig. Raging with anger the old king catches up to the worried and sneaky pig with a lot of anger on his beaded face, he try’s alert a border guard with fancy and shiny armor with his old deep voice, the guard jumped and caught the terrified pig with the king’s valuable crown on its head the guard says “Of to the butcher for you” and the king sweating and gasping like crazy agrees to the guards idea and happily walks back along the dirty path with his beautiful crown right where it belongs back to his luxurious and huge castle with the guard in fancy and shiny armor with the sad and terrified pig tightly held in his arms.
This is good Markus, you have used a lot of descriptions to bring the story alive. When you write like this, try and not repeat the same ideas such as "sneaky", shows the reader what is doing that makes him sneaky rather than just telling that he is sneaky.
DeleteA fat, ugly, sneaky, evil but fast pig always wanted to steal a shining gold crown which is a fat and rich king’s and make him mad. The pig always planned to steal the crown and run away. After it has done planning, it sneaked to a 4-towered, 3-flaged, huge and freaky castle which the king lives. It sneaked like a thief. When it sneaked to a room where the king lives, the king saw the pig. The king always knew that the pig want to steal the crown. He quickly called guards and chased the pig, but the pig stole the crown and ran away as fast as he could. It ran downstairs to get out, but the guards and the king trapped him. But the pig ran out to the window. Bump! He crashed, but he could get out from the castle. The pig ran along a hilly, grassy, rough path. The king ran to catch the pig, but he was too fat so that he could not catch him.
ReplyDeleteJun Sung, I really liked your story, it had a lot of action showing what happened between the characters. It would be good if you had have used more of the ideas from the brainstorm to help you add more "showing" elements to the story.
DeleteA fat pig is running. He’s wearing a gold crown, which is encrusted with jewels, but the crown belonged to a king who is Blue tighted, Red eyed, Red and yellow shoed, Angry, Sweat, Red caped, Shocked, Fat, Bearded, Scared, Tired, Sweating, Hot, Old, Worried, Mad, Panicked, Rich, Chasing the pig, Own the castle, Flabbergasted, Glummed, Worrying, Flustered, Scrawny legs, Balding and Desperate. So, he’s chasing the pig after he recognized that he found the pig.. He is sweating because he is too old to chase the pig. Behind of them, there is king’s castle which has 4 towers and 3 flags. The pig is evil, mischievous, and very naughty. It didn’t stop, but it went faster and faster as it could even though the king is telling him to stop. The pig didn’t want to take off the crown because he feels it’s comfortable. Poor king.
ReplyDeleteCatherine, it is great that you have a lot of descriptions in your story, but to really "show" the scene, you have to do more than just list different adjectives. Please don't use more than 3 adjectives in a row. When you "show" the reader your story, you can give your characters more action - tell us how the characters are performing the action. Good effort.
DeleteThe fat, cunning pig dashed out of the giant castle wearing the king’s jewel encrusted crown. He looked behind him noticing a rather desperate large king who is worried about his precious crown, chasing him. As they were running farther and farther from the huge castle the king made a leap ahead to try to jump on the pig but missed and face planted on the hard rocky floor. The fat pig looked behind and dashed on and on farther from the king just hearing a loud sound. The king’s large horse came to his aid after his call and the king got closer and closer on his horse red with anger on the tail of the pig, he got next to the incredibly speedy pig and jumped of the snatch the fat pig, the pig was caught and was squirming in the kings arms wailing and squealing. The pig brought the pig back to the castle to find out the crown has fallen off the pigs head on the way back. The king, worried and sad, could only wait until the faithful day the crown returns.
ReplyDeleteSpencer, you made some great improvements to the first part of your story - your sentences were full of descriptions of the look and the action of the characters - you even used punctuation! Well done. By the second half your sentences became longer and longer, showing less and telling more. I can't wait to see your writing improve this term, as you have so much potential.
DeleteThe fat naughty pig stole the crown from the king and got him panicking and shocked that his pig would actually steal his crown and run away, the king was an old fat man who was sweating a lot when chasing the pig, the crown was shiny and gold and was covered with jewelry which was really expensive, as the king was chasing the naughty pig, Apparently the king was so fat that his legs weren’t fast enough to catch up with the pig, but he still tried, he tried to reach his crown on top of the arms also weren’t long enough to catch the pig, he couldn’t believe that the pig was running so fast up and down the hilly rough path, the pig was so nervous and scared that he kept on running. The king eventually stopped running because he was exhausted, he fell to the ground and thought why would this pig steel my crown? Is it because of the shiny golden colour or because of the jewels? He was so desperate to get that crown of his back, because it was too precious to lose. “What am I supposed to do now?” cried the king.
ReplyDeleteNima, you have a lot of good description in your story and really "show" your story. You need to read over your work and add full stops! Your sentences are extremely long which can make your work difficult to read. Hopefully you can work on this over the term.
DeleteThe old king woke up tiredly and reached for his valuable crown. The crown case was empty. He gasped and he found out that, his valuable crown is gone. His small and tired eyes opened as big as possible as can be. After found out his crown is gone, he quickly wore up his green silk clothes, that looks just light as feather. Then, he looked out of his big window with white frame, where he saw a pinky and small pig, who stolen his crown that was most important and crucial to him. So, angry king with red nose ran out of his enchantress castle with four tower, where the flags blown as quickly as the pig who ran through the grassy hills with green and fresh bushes. The king was so oppressed with the worries of his crucial crown, he blamed himself, that he should diet, looking under his big and fat stomach which disturbed him to run. After the king and pig clime up and down the grassy hills and saw many kinds of trees near by them. They finally stopped the race in middle of grassy hills, with many kinds of flower blossoms and butterflies flying on whether they know or not the tiredness of king and pig. Finally after long chase, the king catch pinky and small pig, who was so exhausted that, he almost fainted and lie on the middle of hills, gave up the king’s crown he stolen. Also, exhausted king who looked much older than one hour ago make a way back to home wondering, why did pig stolen his crown that is only made for himself, the king.
ReplyDeleteHayoung, i really enjoyed reading your story. You used the brainstorming words very well to write some good showing sentences and really bringing the picture to life. I can see some improvements in your English expression which is great. Well done.
DeleteThe old bearded fat king with golden and heavy clothes was being crazy just to get back his precious crown from the strangely pinked pig (who was also fat). He has not been running this fast for many many years. Long way from his huge orange castle along the rough and bumpy path, he was getting closer to the pig little by little. The king was
ReplyDeletepanicked and sweating, thinking why none of his servants didn’t follow him to help
catching the pig. Without the valuable golden crown, people will not acknowledge him that he is the king! He became very worried and scared after imagining what if he would never be able to catch the evil pig. He speeded up, his red cloak fluttering as the wind blows. The flowers dotted beside calmly, the pig is just in front of him. He is about to reach the crown…
Wow, I am in suspense reading your story and you have done some good "showing" with your story. It is great that you used the class ideas to help shape your story. We will do some work on grammar and punctuation this term to help your story to make more sense but this is a very good effort.
DeleteThe stinky mischievous pig with the gold shiny crown on his head was running along the hilly bumpy path while the bearded old panicking king was chasing the stinky fat pig. The king kept trying and trying and trying to reach his gold shiny crown but the pig was really fast that he could escape. The weather was so sunny that the king was sweating a lot. After a few minutes later the pig tripped on the tulip plants, the pig got really disappointed when the crown rolled over and back down the hilly road where there was the king’s castle. When the crown landed in the big tall castle the king and the pig raced back to the castle but this time the pig was very slow since he hurt himself before when he tripped. The king thought that he won’t ever get the gold shiny crown back but he finally did when he raced back down the hill to his castle. After the king got the gold shiny crown he told the pig to get away for him then the king went inside to his castle and got a cup of water and sat down in his chair and thought to himself “what did the pig steal my crown for?”…
ReplyDeleteSteph, this is a good effort. You have tried hard to use the words from the chart to help show the pig and king picture. Try and not repeat any ideas - such as the pig is stinky. You only need to say it once. Then you need to show it - how is he stinky? Prove it? That is where you have to get into the descriptions. We will go over how to do this in class.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe fast, nervous pig, with the crown on his head, ran out of the castle as fast as his legs could catch him. The king (who was sweating) was hot on his heels. He reached out his hands to try to retrieve the jewel-encrusted crown, but his hot arms weren’t long enough. The poor king tripped head over heels and fell onto the rough gravel path. The frightened pig kept running away, hoping he would flee from the flustered king. A few minutes later, the king came to his senses. He immediately ran back to his large stone castle. When he got inside, he was furious. He sat down on his golden throne to think about what this mischievous pig had done to steal his invaluable crown. He thought that the pig had an obsession with expensive items. Drowning in his sadness, the king feared the worst as he heard a loud, crackling thunderstorm. “What is to become of my precious crown…” moaned the king.
ReplyDeleteI love it Joey - you have really brought the picture to life through your descriptions of the characters, really showing what they are doing. Fantastic work.
DeleteShe quickly rushed into the class, sitting down faster than you could say "hi" and placed her bag down as fast as she could. Shoving her hand into her bag furiously trying to grab all of her equipment. The teacher was giving instructions for the class, she was sweating like a pig, tapping her fingers and quickly looking everywhere barley listening to what the teacher was saying. She slammed her book on the table and opened it to a blank page and started to work furiously on her work but eventually stopped and started to read here work over and over again clicking her pen like a mad-woman as the class was pulling to a end. The teacher started to check homework which caused her to shake and shiver, biting her nails as the teacher drew closer and closer to her. She didn't do her homework.
ReplyDeleteShe read her work over and over. She was unable to concentrate because she couldn’t hear anything except her heartbeat. She shivered and moved her body. She looked around with her eyes. Her heart was pounding loudly so that everybody could hear it. She scratched her head and twirled and fiddled with her hair. Then, she bit her nails while sweating all over her face. As the time passed, she began to click the pen and tap the table. Right after her name is called, she really felt that she has to go to the toilet.
ReplyDelete